If I thought life at ITN was the far side if lunacy, it doesn’t begin to compete with what I tend to refer to as Real Life, capital R, capital L, and very much something I have done my best to avoid.  As an example of the sheer awfulness of it I recently read an article about child rearing (So I could put the nanny in her place for once) and saw that the solution recommended to parents of bickering children is ‘Discuss better dispute resolution strategies with Them’.  Lord, give me strength.

Let me give you the problems they described and my more practical solutions, garnered from a long, rough ride in the good ship Motherhood across the choppy sea of television news.

Problem: You take your children to the supermarket and they start grabbing chocolate from the shelves.

Solution: Rem ind the little swine to think of others and remember to get a Fry’s Turkish Delight for their mother.

Problem: Your son refuses to get dressed for school.

Solution: Take him with both of you wearing your night attire.  Nothing keeps a child in line as well as the prospect of his Mother revealing how insane she really is. This strategy will stand you in good stead during the teenage years when the mere threat of you also getting a tattoo/nose piercing/Mohican haircut will stop him in his tracks.

Problem: Your daughter is watching TV and refuses to go to bed.

Solution: Make her stay up and watch everything on offer on the dullest channel – hardly a challenge to find one – and through Newsnight. No-one stays awake through Newsnight.

Problem: Your son claims to be working hard at school but his report tells a different story.

Solution: Demand free lawn mowing/car washing/drugs for a month in return for hiding report from Father.

Sorted.  That’s life the Lady Kingston way.  More next week.

Welcome gentle readers to the world of Lady Kingston.  I should start out by explaining that the title is only a Scottish one and was first made public by a wag standing behind me in the cue for security passes when the witless girl asked for my title.  Endlessly kind, I decided to go with it.

I worked for many years, as much as anyone else there did, at Independent Television News, ITN, perhaps best known for making News at Ten.  It was an extraordinary place to work, not always in a good way, and since leaving I have written a regular page for the ITN 1955 Newsletter – 1955 being the year we were founded.  News being what it is we were exposed on a daily basis to the darker side of life and as a social worker might say, we developed a ‘coping mechanism’ of a very distinct in-house humour which might not be to everybody’s taste.  Probably not for the under 18s either.  The following is worryingly drawn from life:

Distraught reporter ‘I’m going to throw myself off the roof’

1st conscientious colleague ‘Do you need lights, sound, make-up?’

2nd conscientious colleague ‘Any chance  you’ll wait till we’re on air?’

Possibly not your style?  Click away and check out eBay. If it is, get a drink and enjoy the insights into the highly dysfunctional life of Lady K and if you are tempted to write a ‘Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells ‘ letter to my editor, remember it is meant to be funny.