As Elton John might have said but I’m not sure I’d go as far as saying ‘better than I ever was’.  Give it a week.  Or two.  Possibly four.  Learning to be patient as well as ‘a patient’ is uncharted territory but having berated so many people on the subject over the years I will have to grit my teeth and at least give convalescence a chance.

Post-operation I was on an absurd high for about three days (Note to self: what in God’s name is in an anaesthetic?  Is it available on Amazon?) and within hours I was proof reading the homework of a Ghanaian nurse.  Drugs being what they are, there was a horrible crash back to Earth on day four which was spent in floods of tears, despite the efforts of pals who turned up with a bucket, a plastic jug, a filthy length of garden hose and the irresistibly tempting offer, declined, of an enema.

The Sunset Care Home was altogether more fun.  The check in questionnaire contained enquiries such as ‘Can you manage your own teeth?’.  ‘Usually.  When sober’.  There was a special form on resuscitation – did I want it?  ‘Certainly not’ I replied without hesitation,  an answer which seemed to surprise them despite the majority of inmates appearing to be there as  result of an ill-judged ‘Yes’ in earlier life.  Who turns down the chance of a swift exit after sixty?  Only the wildest of optimists I imagine.

On the down side there was no en suite fridge so the champagne had to be chilled in the garden.  One visitor arrived with a bottle of vodka, an ice bucket with ice, tonic, lemon and a knife.  Mention that girl in dispatches, Colonel.  Another one tripped on her way in (so stone cold sober) and broke a toe.  A third decided it was time to remove my stitches, worryingly called staples, shades of shenanigans in the stationery cupboard, and took me to the nearest pub for a little nerve calming  Rioja (for both of us) before whipping them out.  It’s a wonder I wasn’t expelled which even for me would have been a rather impressive addition to my CV.

Now back at home let me set you a task for the weekend.  (Obviously you too will already have binge-watched ‘The Crown’).  Try to go about your daily life without bending over, something presently forbidden for me.  Try putting on socks, or plugging anything into a low socket, picking up post, emptying the dishwasher.  The reader coming up with the longest list gets the staples and the extractor.  Something, like your health, to cherish.