We had a saying at work, usually applied to a particularly scurrilous piece of information, that if it’s not true now it will be in six weeks time.  (Followed by “Lets publish it anyway”)  In that spirit and to get my loyal follower(s) a chance to get ahead of the masses I give you my insider tips on upcoming changes to the law, smuggled out of Downing Street by my pal at the Despatch Box.

I have had reason to do a lot of motorway driving in the last week and I was a little surprised to see that what I had imagined was embargoed information was already widely known.  It will soon, possibly within days, be required to tail-gate other vehicles.  The upside of this is that it reminds dozy drivers who go at the speed indicated by the illuminated signs that they should stop irritating other road users, sharpen up and put their feet down. This has been the preferred option of the forward looking British for many years but is henceforth compulsory.

In fact, many of the legal updates do relate to road usage.  Lorries MUST in future travel side by side at no more than 30mph, whatever the speed limit.  There will have to be an exemption for them from the tail-gating rules but only on busy motorways. On other roads they will stay at a maximum, maximum 2 metres behind the car in front.

As soon as the manpower is available all those signs saying “Stay in lane” will be altered to “Change lane as often as humanly possible” – again a practice which is already widespread.  Any use of the indicator prior to moving will be, I hope it goes without saying, strictly verboten.  There is, it seems, a move to omit them in new vehicles as superfluous, like the man with the red flag walking in front.

Some of you, a very few, may have noticed occasional road signs indicating that a lane ahead is closed.  Complicated though this is, you must get your head round that in this instance you DO NOT change lanes, however much opportunity there is to do so, until absolutely the last minute, causing huge tailbacks and enraging drivers who foolishly moved over earlier. Ignorers will face hefty fines.

There is concern that all these alterations will result in chaos but have a little faith.  Look how quickly the public embraced the idea that it is illegal to leave home without a mobile phone and one’s eyes should only leave the screen in exceptional circumstances.  Like ducks to water!  Early adopters have moved on to applying the same rules whenever their car is paused at traffic lights.  A fine opportunity to check and send vital texts and pictures of your breakfast and a cause for congratulation from other drivers who sound their horns in salute as the lights turn red yet again.

Of course time wasting is a cardinal sin in our busy world so the plan is to rush these changes through Parliament without too much debate.  God knows they already have the wholehearted support of the general public, those stalwarts who stop dead at the top of escalators, can’t find their wallet at the checkout and only after boarding a bus following a 30 minute wait realise that the driver will need to see their ticket.

This is not change, people, with its negative connotations; this is improvement.  Let us join hands and move confidently into our glorious future. It’s the law.