Ardent followers will recall the wonderful trips I undertook during the summer and will be eager for news of my next outing.  I may have mentioned that this is to be undertaken with a number of the angels (sic) that make up our National Health Service.  I have appointed myself Matron, more in an organisational capacity than anything else because despite my extensive experience in making medical programmes it has been pointed out in no uncertain terms that I lack hands on experience, in some senses.

Part of the forward planning has been to appoint our Staff Nurse to whip the junior members of the party into shape for the walking part of the expedition.  Let me share with you the unexpurgated response to what I saw as an eminently sensible suggestion.

“Dear Matron,

I am somewhat encouraged that despite your lack of practical training you do appear to have a good grasp of the role of Matron as it is quite clear that you have nothing better to do than sit on your arse and dream up preposterous tasks for your fellow travellers.

I am but a Staff Nurse but I fear that you have mistaken me for our (late) school gym mistress and as such I refuse to undertake the task. My decision is not based on the fitness of the Junior Nurse.  Indeed this was amply illustrated this weekend by her success in the Milton Keynes mini marathon – a distance of no less than 0.6 miles from the train station to my house.  Rather it is her inability to follow the simplest of directions, be it by foot or by car, and as you know she has on More Than One Occasion fallen foul of the law whilst travelling.

You may also recall that whilst holidaying recently in the Scottish Borders she planned to follow a route along the river which she succeeded in doing for a good ten yards.  The remainder of the walk was spent rambling around a council estate in the dark.  Imagine letting her lose in the Lakes – it could well be the last we see of her, especially if we allow her to take the gin with her.

If the Doctor plans to go with her, I hope she has carried out a full risk assessment and is well aware of the possible outcome of any outing organised by the Junior staff.

I suggest that we keep the gin supplies locked in the medicine cabinet or we may not see either of them again.  Whilst this would be mildly regrettable it would mean all the more drinks for our deserving selves.”

Is it obvious that we went to the same school?