The phone rang while I was sorting out the cupboard under the stairs. “How quintessentially January” remarked the caller on being appraised of this exciting news and I had a lightbulb moment, up there with Saul of Tarsus. January is in serious need of a re-brand.

Being British we see this, the darkest time of the year on so many levels, as something to be Got Through, shoulders to the wheel time, let’s clean the hamster’s cage but wait just a moment, folk. This is one twelfth of your life you are wishing away here. What if we turned it into ‘Be kind to yourself month’?

God knows you’ve probably had more than enough of being good to others over the last few weeks, queueing like a Cold War housewife in a million shops and making more beds than Ikea. Step one is, I hope it goes without saying, abandoning the threadbare notion of rustling up tasty meals from leftovers. My turkey carcass flew out of the kitchen window on Christmas night in order to give the local foxes a little festive treat and spare those indoors the horror of a turkey curry. DO NOT, even under the extreme influence of Bounty-flavoured Baileys, delude yourself into thinking something good can come from re-heated Christmas pudding. Let it go. Let it all go. The withered satsuma, the stinking Stilton, the untouched dates. Chuck them out with the tree. You will thank me.

Take to your bed or the sofa, swaddled in something soft and fluffy – this applies to the ladies as well – and treat yourself to a diet of After Eights dipped in cream-topped hot chocolate and daytime telly. Having ditched the idea of Dry January, what WERE we thinking about?, the possibility of a detox should follow hard on its heels. Detox is for a time when there are more than four hours of daylight. Weight loss can be filed under Wait Loss, do it later. We can and we will turn this time of year into something we look forward to. You are in need of some serious cosseting and I’m putting you personally in charge of making it happen.

Always an early adopter I’ve already started. A Happier January everyone.