AA Kingston has been unwell this week but not, I hope you will be relieved to hear, in a life threatening way. At least, not in my opinion but what do I know? (Although never forget my six months working on ‘General Hospital’ which must count as at least a foundation year in medicine.)
When the children were little and poorly there were only the two possible options, as every mother will recognise. If they are hot it is meningitis and if they’re not it’s leukaemia. Sorted. Plus side being the enormous relief when the disease in question turns out to be previously unsuspected measles or mumps.

My ailment arrived in the middle of the night – why, oh why can’t these things happen in daylight when you’re not so tired? – and you do not, gentle reader, need to know any details, certainly not if you’re reading this over breakfast. Or any meal, come to that. And incidentally don’t read at the table! How many times? Just don’t come whining to me when there’s marmalade in your laptop.

Next day I decided that it might be wise to check with NHS Direct for any advice on how to proceed, other than what I already knew: Do NOT leave the bathroom.
The phone was answered by a youth who was clearly in training for the World Speedreading finals and if you have money to spare he is definitely a contender. Still weak from my nocturnal adventures I hung up on him before my will to live, already in a fragile state, totally vanished.

Naturally they rang back. This time a women with a very unloveable bee in her bonnet.
‘Have you been abroad lately?’
‘No’
‘Have you been to West Africa?’
‘Isn’t that covered by abroad?’
‘Do you know anyone who has been to West Africa?
‘Almost certainly’
‘Are you spurting blood from anywhere?’
‘No. I think I would have mentioned that when you asked for my symptoms’
‘Could it be Ebola?’
Top thought! Let’s start with eliminating the most likely cause and come to think of it I did have a nice chat with a Professor of Infectious Diseases at my friend’s housewarming in September but, and thank God for this, I am pretty sure that there was no exchanging of bodily fluids over the canapés and champagne.

You can’t open a newspaper without someone saying how wonderful the NHS is but I suspect it’s main virtue is really that it’s free. Given the calibre of the people manning their phones, it’s no wonder it’s in a state. Are the people higher up the chain any better? I hope you can’t work you way up from Call Centre to surgeon. It’s a worry that I’m going to pop on a back burner for the festive season and I urge you to follow suit. Just a quick Shakespearean quote to finish – A plague on all their houses, and preferably the same one I had.