Do not, dear Reader, be deterred by the title.  My son once told me that whatever essay title he was set for his homework he would dismiss it in the first sentence and then write 2000 crisp words on whatever was occupying his fevered teenage brain that week.  How Sir must have looked forward to marking time.

I have just been on holiday and very nice it was except for the 50 minutes that we queued to get through passport control on returning to Heathrow.  One hates to pull rank but really.  Surely someone somewhere has the intelligence to think ‘Hmmmm.  A mother and two sons returning to their country of birth after a brief absence from an extremely sedate destination with British passports.  I expect we could shorten this intolerable wait by employing the airport version of a Triage Nurse and giving such people an express ticket” or is that beyond the wit of a civil servant?  Answer, sadly, yes.

I shall therefore in a spirit of compassion and understanding for the less able give you a few tips accrued over many, many years to make your own trips more bearable.

It is a FACT not even worthy of further discussion that no holiday requires you to take nine pairs of shoes and certainly not in my suitcase.

There is a happy medium between arriving four hours early for the flight and having to be carried across the tarmac  at a run by two security officials.  Been there, done that. Not impressed.

Your travelling companions should be carefully pre-vetted for irritating habits.  Observe nose picking, hair twiddling, nail chewing (Continued on page 94) for long enough and you will snap ‘n’ slap. Never attempt a road trip with someone you already mildly dislike.  Days of such close confinement can only end in murder, first degree.  Other motoring hints: driving with the white line under the middle of your vehicle may enrage other road users.  If there is frost on the inside of the windows the air conditioning needs reviewing.  If your passenger screams you need to slow down, put both hands on the wheel and pay some attention.

It is worth checking before travel that your driver does not suffer from elective deafness in the ear nearest to the navigator. Do they know left from right and can they follow a simple instruction to turn in one of those directions?

A weak bowel or bladder is not conducive to happy travelling.  Administer drugs, covertly if necessary, rectally  if desperate.

Finally do not take directions from the doorman who you have tipped with loose change amounting to under a dollar.  It may well satisfy their sense of justice to picture you driving through parts of their city previously unknown to armed police, never mind witless tourists,   but it is unlikely to endear you to your passengers.

Happy holidays!