Welcome, trusty reader, and today’s task for Lady K is to bring you up to speed with what’s what at the Oscars. I am assuming at this point that you aren’t on the voting list and won’t even be going to LA.  (I wouldn’t bother.  It is an unspeakably ghastly place and the goodie bags for nominees, said to be worth thousands of pounds contain dross a five year would toss aside). Tell me you do at least have an in-house cinema?

So in a selfless quests to save you wasting your time this weekend I have personally sat through a great many of the nominated movies, many wasted hours in some cases, and here’s what you need to know.

The most talked about and hotly tipped is ‘The Revenant’.  Now, I’ve worked on outside broadcasts, which only ever appear to take place in seriously inclement weather and produce the kind of feelings that got Jeremy Clarkson sacked but, big but, just because you had a miserable time making it, doesn’t make it good.  Or award winning.  It’s supposed to be based on a true story.  Even the charitable would only go as far as loosely based. The original happened in August on pretty flat territory.  Spot the differences.  As to the ‘acting’ – sling me in an icy river and I’ll give you a convincing impression of cold.  It’s not acting sweetie.  Best thing in it is the bear, leaving aside the fact she fails to kill him and cut out two unnecessary hours.

‘Bridge of Spies’ won’t win but it’s well worth seeing.  Tom Hanks and Mark Rylance, who should get Best Supporting Actor, what’s not to like, and its a good solid watch.  Also lots of cold scenes.

‘Brooklyn’ is another listing for Best Picture.  Quite sweet, great costumes, but it won’t change the course of history. Possibly funded by the Catholic Church as a reaction to ‘Spotlight’ which takes a decidedly negative view of kiddy fiddling.  Neither is in the same league as ‘Doubt’, something you should definitely make an effort to watch.

‘Joy’ has a Best Actress nomination. Euphoria and mops have no link in my mind; bit like trying to finish the sentence ‘Donald Trump is attractive because …’ Don’t bother.  Sickeningly jingoistic as well.

‘The Big Short’ is on similar lines to nowhere.  Who gets excited about synthetic mortgages or is won over by a girl in a bubble bath explaining it?  Only, only a banker.

My own front runners are ‘Mad Max, Fury Road’ and ‘Room’.  As a long time fan of the Max Max movies it was with heart in mouth that I went to Number 4, made years after the others and without Mel Gibson but what a great film! To be uncharacteristically brutal I couldn’t actually tell you the name of the actor who plays Max; the film is totally stolen by Charlize Theron.  A stand on your seat and cheer movie. I loved it.

Very, very different to ‘Room’, no warrior women crossing the desert and kicking ass here.  It is based on the story of the Austrian man who kept his daughter in a cellar and raped her for years, family viewing but not in a good way.  Your first, and very understandable reaction, is probably a firm no thank you but stay with me, it is worth seeing and for the first time in living memory the child is not a bowl-cut haired moppet but a real kid.  Brie Larson plays the mother and has a well deserved nomination for Best Actress along with Alicia Vikander for ‘The Danish Girl’ – she plays the wife to Eddie Redmayne’s transgender girl. She, Alicia not Eddie, is the best thing in this film, apart from the costumes. I’ve never been a fan of Miss Redmayne who seems unsure if she’s Arthur or Martha at the best of times.  Simpering on an industrial scale.

Actually this is a good year for women with Cate Blanchett quite brilliant in ‘Carol’, a lesbian love story set in the stylish fifties but on far gentler lines than ‘Blue is the warmest colour’, a film which would certainly have brought Queen Victoria up to speed. Rooney Mara, an Audrey Hepburn lookalike as Cate’s girlfriend, is also a hot tip.

And finally, ‘Amy’ is up for Best Documentary.  It may not win but make an effort.  It is to genuinely heart rending what ‘Joy’ is to saccharine.  You choose.