If I thought life at ITN was the far side if lunacy, it doesn’t begin to compete with what I tend to refer to as Real Life, capital R, capital L, and very much something I have done my best to avoid.  As an example of the sheer awfulness of it I recently read an article about child rearing (So I could put the nanny in her place for once) and saw that the solution recommended to parents of bickering children is ‘Discuss better dispute resolution strategies with Them’.  Lord, give me strength.

Let me give you the problems they described and my more practical solutions, garnered from a long, rough ride in the good ship Motherhood across the choppy sea of television news.

Problem: You take your children to the supermarket and they start grabbing chocolate from the shelves.

Solution: Rem ind the little swine to think of others and remember to get a Fry’s Turkish Delight for their mother.

Problem: Your son refuses to get dressed for school.

Solution: Take him with both of you wearing your night attire.  Nothing keeps a child in line as well as the prospect of his Mother revealing how insane she really is. This strategy will stand you in good stead during the teenage years when the mere threat of you also getting a tattoo/nose piercing/Mohican haircut will stop him in his tracks.

Problem: Your daughter is watching TV and refuses to go to bed.

Solution: Make her stay up and watch everything on offer on the dullest channel – hardly a challenge to find one – and through Newsnight. No-one stays awake through Newsnight.

Problem: Your son claims to be working hard at school but his report tells a different story.

Solution: Demand free lawn mowing/car washing/drugs for a month in return for hiding report from Father.

Sorted.  That’s life the Lady Kingston way.  More next week.